I Chose Alcohol

 

Previously, I wrote about starting this journey again. About wanting to lose weight, feel better, and finally stop standing in my own way.

Then the next day, life showed up.

We had a meeting about our youngest child's new school placement. It was so much. I had so many questions, and I felt unheard. The constant "oh, we understand" really gets to me. I don't think you really do understand. My youngest is non-verbal, needs to have someone feed him, change him, guide him and yet you are telling me no, he can't have a one-on-one EA, no, I can't ride the bus with him for the first days to help ease him into something new. I am supposed to trust a bunch of strangers who have many other children to watch over and yet the school system can't even trust me? Even when the meetings go well, they leave me emotionally exhausted. Every conversation about his future carries the weight of decisions, uncertainty, advocacy, and the constant reminder that his path is different than most children's.

At the same time, I'm trying to process something unexpected with my oldest son. There is so much fear, confusion, worry, and just the realization that my child is becoming an adult who will make decisions I may not always understand or even agree with. 

By the end of the day, I felt overwhelmed.

And I drank. I chose to drink. I made the conscious decision to numb out. Before I made this decision, I went for a long walk through Musko, I vented on the phone to my mother and my sister. But I still chose alcohol.

The question isn't why I drank. The bigger question is why alcohol is still one of the first things I reach for when life feels heavy. Why? Perhaps it is because I grew up and that is what most adults did when life got hard, but not my mother. She NEVER chose that path. So why do I? Why am I setting this example for my kids? for myself?

Weight loss isn't just about calories. It's about habits. It's about coping. It's about what I do when I'm scared, sad, angry, worried, or exhausted.

Some of my hardest battles aren't with food. They're with the ways I've learned to comfort myself.

What happens after a night of drinking? I overeat the next day, there is no movement, there is nothing but stillness, eating fast food and shame.