Survival Mode

This morning I woke up feeling defeated. I already knew before getting on the scale and then getting on the scale and it confirming, just devastated me. 

197 pounds.

Again.

It's like I can't escape it. Down. Up. Down. Up. 

I feel like I am just stuck. That no matter how much I want this, I can't seem to break free.

And of course, this isn't the only thing that I am feeling stressed about. 

We're waiting for my husband's final paycheck from his old job. Instead of direct depositing it like they normally would, they want him to pick it up in person. The whole situation feels stressful and uncertain. Bills are due. Payments are scheduled to come out. NSF fees are looming over us. I am so frustrated with these companies. They become so vindictive when all you are trying to do is survive.

So I woke up this morning, after a night filled with bad dreams, the scale is high again, money is non-existent again. My body is feeling panicky, I can't even deep breathe. I have been feeling this way for days. I have reached numerous times for food I am not even hungry for. Trying to unfreeze myself. 

I just want certainty in my life.

I want to know the bills will be paid.
I want to know everything will work out.
I want to know that the people I love are safe.
I want to know that all the effort I'm putting into losing weight isn't wasted.

But of course, life doesn't offer that type of security in moments like this.

So today, I guess, my goal isn't to have a perfect day where everything is checked off.

My goal is just to stay the course. Find some things I can tolerate that will help me stay on track.

I don't feel motivated.
I don't feel hopeful.
The scale won't magically hit my goal number tomorrow.

But I deserve to keep going, even on this day when everything feels uncertain, scary and sad.

So today is a survival day.

And I guess these survival days count too.

Probably more so.